The Five Stages of Writer Angst

I know you've been wondering, right? Here you go:

Stage One: Euphoria. Usually occurs upon completion of a project, typically when little association with the Editor has occurred. A common occurrance at the end of NaNoWriMo when 50,000 words or more have spewed forth on the unwitting computer. Accompanied by thoughts such as "I'm pretty good at this," "Wow, that's brilliant," and "I bet everyone will LOVE this."

Stage Two: Confusion. Thoughts include "What was I thinking when I wrote that?," "Wow, this part sounds like a psychopath wrote it," and "Huh." Often characterized by a feeling of disorientation as the internal Editor tries to kick the internal Muse out of the proverbial sandbox.

Stage Three: Depression. The stage most commonly associated with writers. Accompanied by a lot of late night television, whiskey, and computer solitaire. Characterized by thoughts such as "A monkey could have written this," "Why did anyone let me near a keyboard?," and "No one is ever going to read any of this ever again. Ever." Some writers never emerge from this stage.

Stage Four: Denial. Often characterized by the writer deleting every single word associated with previous euphoria-inducing work from the hard drive of his/her computer. But not really, because he/she saves it on a Secret Directory or tucks it away on a CD/ROM just in case. Bet-hedging, insistence that the whole damn thing was just a lark and really, he/she is okay with not ever being published, more computer solitaire, and a lot of spouting of nonsensical, random cursewords characterize this stage. Again, some writers never emerge.

Stage Five: Realism. The writer wakes up and discovers that against all odds, the stinking story is still stuck in his/her head and demands to be let out. Characterized by a new fascination with self-publishing and e-books, agent and editor blogs, and publishing market analyses. Accompanied by phrases such as "I have to write the damn thing -- it's still in my head," "If I don't get this on paper I'll go nuts," "I suppose I'm going to piss off a lot of people with this," and "Maybe a few people will like it, but I guess as long as I like it, that's what counts." May come dangerously close to crossing into rationalization.

And there you have it. Writer angst in five stages. These can go quickly or slowly depending on the writer and the work in question, and at any given point the writer can be mired in more than one stage on more than one piece of work.

I wish psychiatrists would come up with a category for this disease I have. For now, I'll just call it writeritis.